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Two years ago, I was diagnosed with anxiety-depressive disorder. I am in my early 40s, married, mother of three beautiful, healthy children. My childhood was marked by growing up in a dysfunctional family. My father struggled and still struggles with alcoholism. Looking at the patterns of behaviour and daily psychological abuse, I decided that I would certainly do better when I grow up and that I would never get married, that I would have my own job and be independent.
There is simply no relationship with the father, there never was. He was not a father to me, but a great burden and shame. The mother, emotionally cold, mostly in tears, claimed that she could not have done better and that she had no choice when we begged her to leave him, to save ourselves. Despite everything, I was an excellent student. I loved to learn.
After high school, I am enrolling in a study programme in another city. I live my student life through occasional dating, but I also live with a reservation about men, relationships, and any kind of connection. After graduation, I wanted to move as far away from home as possible and build my life. Far from parents, far from the same stories and behaviour all the time meant running away again. At my first job, I got a boss who is still in my life, she was a second mother to me. However, my wanderings and searches began. I wanted a relationship, I wanted stability, and I would fall into relationships that were suffocating and unhealthy, and I would start making excuses for the bad decisions that I made. I was looking for love, I was looking for purpose and belonging. There had to be more to life than that. The emptiness inside me was so great, and I was trying not to show anything on the outside. I got a new job in a corporation where I was experiencing abuse from the new boss. I wanted to escape again, to get away. It lasted too long. But upon arriving at my latest job in another corporation, I met a colleague who asked me what the Our Lady’s medal that I wore around my neck meant to me? I did not know what to say. I started making excuses. He invited me to Siget (in Zagreb) to a prayer meeting led by Fr. Smiljan. There I experienced that God is alive and that He was touching me! After the meeting, my path changed. I started going to Holy Mass, read Holy Scriptures, I noticed a hunger for books and testimonies. I decided – I will follow you, God. The hunger for giving was great, but I noticed that it was again a search for love.
A close friend of mine introduced me to a young man who very quickly became my husband (after only a month of dating). I was enchanted by his kindness and his attitude towards me. But after the birth of my first child, I fell into postpartum depression. I felt lonely and immature, and these feelings and thoughts were all I could indulge in, spinning in circles. It did not occur to me to seek help and support. We made the decision to move into my husband’s parents’ house. That was when my struggle began – accepting family, relationships, and living with parents. It was not what I wanted, nor was it how I envisioned marriage and relationship with my husband.
During Covid pandemic, I get inspired and start doing my desired hobby, but I do not manage to do everything conscientiously – with the development of that hobby, a small business was created. The pace of work, the plans, Covid, the neglect of Holy Masses, entering worries. Once, returning from a business trip, I had a severe headache. I called the doctor, described my condition and that I was crying a lot, losing my strength. It has been determined that I have experienced burnout, a work-life imbalance, and that I had to go on sick leave immediately. It was obvious that this condition did not come suddenly but was accumulating for a long period of time. It was necessary to change the way of life. It was difficult to face it. I felt unfit to be a mother, a wife, and I had suicidal thoughts, the urge to self-destruction. My family had a hard time dealing with my diagnosis, my marriage was falling apart.
A friend of mine refers me to hagiotherapy. I arrive at the centre where I am greeted by a beautiful person who listens and looks at me. She advises me to take medication and suggests me to change my work environment. Since it was not my place of residence, she referred me to another hagioassistant. I was in a bad physical condition. I could not say anything without crying. But she was talking about the purpose and that there will be no other way with her than with me looking up. She said there was a way out of the situation I was in. She listened to my story, saw my wounds, and did not judge me. She was the one who brought strength and respect of me, but also of psychologists and psychiatrists. She helped me to see my worth despite my diagnosis.
Day by day I started to get up, happy when I could prepare a meal. Creativity returned, I started sleeping, walking outside… I cried out to God, and was angry with Him, but also agreed to His help and protection. Through hagiotherapy, I started reading the literature written by Prof. Ivančić. I had a dream where he told me which way to go through life, without relying on my own strength. Prof. Ivančić had so realistically and accurately described the state of depression and the crisis it brings. His works are food for my thoughts.
For the first time in five months of struggle, the report said “remission”. I am going back to work. Soon I realized that I could calmly leave that job and accept a new one, closer to my family. A severe depressive episode revealed many things about me – including the bad self-image I had, perfectionism, as well as indulging and pleasing others and not setting boundaries, at the same time the wrong image of the Creator. But it also brought a new beginning. It showed me how worthy my life is. As the doctor told me at the beginning, everything will remain the same, but you will not be the same. I went from sadness to joy by embracing the present with hope and faith in the future. It has been a long time since then, so I can say that I am healthy, happy, and fulfilled. I have also experienced that I am truly a beloved child of the Father.
